night post

I can't seem to stop crying. Lars sometimes joins me, but tonight he's better at going back to sleep than I am. Perhaps expressing some of it will lift enough that I can sleep. This has been such a long journey, and we only have the very beginning of a story.

Who Lars is, with all his strengths & limitations, has never been difficult for me to accept. He doesn't need to be able to do anything in particular to be "okay" to me. He may or may not stand, walk, talk, cut his food, whatever.

At the same time, I have felt passionately that both my boys be in settings that superbly support their growth and development into who they are. Witness our 3,000 mile move so the as-yet-unconceived-Joa could attend Sudbury Valley School. I can't seem to shake the feeling that the class they're trying to shove Lars into is just entirely wrong for him. His response to being there with kids yesterday was essentially what I feared it might be. He lasted fifteen or twenty minutes, then waged protest, then shut down by going to sleep.

I'm in a place of deep mourning right now. I shall hold to my warrior & my optimist & my realist & my grounded self & my dreamer, but I need to feel all the sadness now.

painful day, but not for Lars

Lars had a great day. I didn't.

It was incredibly painful for me to sign "I accept the placement" on Lars' IEP this morning. I tried to find some place in me convinced this is an appropriate placement. Wasn't able to do that, so the process was of signing that I accept what I know to be wrong for my son.

I didn't think I had the time or space to deal with my feelings, as I was getting ready for work, but my body laughed at me: "Oh yeah?" said she. "You want to try to pretend that wasn't painful? I'll show you how painful that was."

By the middle of the day I was lying on the floor at work with a blanket & pillow kindly brought in by my supervisor, shades drawn, trying just to get through the worst of the migraine. A colleague drove me home & I went to bed all afternoon. Still now some pain, feel hung over, but can at least tolerate low light & low noise, & focus my eyes.

Who am I to think that might not have happened?

Next visit to the school, with kids this time, is tomorrow morning at 9:00. We'll both be there with Lars.

Fabulous photos Denise took @ Lar's b-day party are now posted below on the party blog entry . So sweet.

well...

Larsman had a great day yesterday. Both of us got fantastic haircuts from our one-&-only Donna (Changing Faces in Natick). Has his first medical acupuncture appointment this morning @ 10 with an acupuncturist/MD Andey & I know from ten years ago when we worked @ the Center for Holistic Pediatric Education & Research @ children's. Came out here from Stanford to work with the pain service & stayed. Fantastic guy & insurance coverage.

Andey & Lars go visit town school today, after kids leave. I'll be at work. Don't know what's happening come Monday with no TVI.

I feel physically really awful. One of the worst headaches I've ever had. Comes with nausea & sensitivity to light & sound. Think I really need to go to work anyway, for a variety of reasons. Am I nuts?

school update

Crazy stuff happening with school, which is supposed to start Monday. No TVI (teacher of students with visual impairments) in place, town implying it's our fault. Not.

He's not starting there without a TVI. They really really don't have a program for him without a TVI.

Feeling confused & slimed. Wrote more on lkeducation.blogspot.com You have to sign in with a google account to read that blog. If you want to be added as reader or author, just let me know.

graduation day

It's Lars' last day at Perkins Infant-Toddler Tuesday group. Graduation day.
Many mixed feelings.

what a great party

We had a fantastic birthday party, thanks to Lisa, Griffin, Julia, Margaret, Mary-Carla, Roch, Isabelle, Katherine, Denise, Kali, Alice, Danny, Hanna, Garth, Henry, Nell, Cindy, Donna, Gabriella, Michelle, Aubrey, Tamara, Gannon, Carylbeth, Erika, & Molly. (Hope I remembered everyone...) Others, too, who wrote & sent birthday wishes, wanted to come. Thank you all so very much. Major gratitude to Denise for the gorgeous photos.

During the party, Lars hung out with lots of different people & mostly did great- a little fussy at times, but quick recoveries. He was completely charming all evening after people left, eating a lot & singing. This morning & early afternoon he took a well-timed long nap in the hammock swing while we cleaned the house, cleared snow & ice, & frosted the cake.

Since Thursday Lars' days have been mostly happy & playful, but with terrible nights. Tonight will be my fourth consecutive & I'm tired & numb. Last night we "slept" for five hours, and during that time he woke up 19 times crying, requiring intervention. At one point he was up for a couple hours. Hoping it's just the cold he's had.. Tired is why I haven't written. Keep falling asleep with laptop on lap.

Like now. I'd better hit "publish" & go to bed.

Here are two photos from Lars' actual birth day, March 8th 2004.
These are from long ago when I was keeping kynvi.com up. Haven't figured out how to transfer it to Mac, so it died with our PC...

And a couple from about 2 weeks old: