night post

I can't seem to stop crying. Lars sometimes joins me, but tonight he's better at going back to sleep than I am. Perhaps expressing some of it will lift enough that I can sleep. This has been such a long journey, and we only have the very beginning of a story.

Who Lars is, with all his strengths & limitations, has never been difficult for me to accept. He doesn't need to be able to do anything in particular to be "okay" to me. He may or may not stand, walk, talk, cut his food, whatever.

At the same time, I have felt passionately that both my boys be in settings that superbly support their growth and development into who they are. Witness our 3,000 mile move so the as-yet-unconceived-Joa could attend Sudbury Valley School. I can't seem to shake the feeling that the class they're trying to shove Lars into is just entirely wrong for him. His response to being there with kids yesterday was essentially what I feared it might be. He lasted fifteen or twenty minutes, then waged protest, then shut down by going to sleep.

I'm in a place of deep mourning right now. I shall hold to my warrior & my optimist & my realist & my grounded self & my dreamer, but I need to feel all the sadness now.