When I was out with Joa when he was an infant and toddler, people used to stop me in park, on the street, in the isles of stores and rave about how beautiful he was. In exchange for his beauty and radiant smile, they would gift him with their admiration and reflect back to him a smile of appreciation. He has stored in his self somewhere hundreds of these experiences. Sometimes I see them emerge in spontaneous resplendent moments. Sometimes I see him warp them into an “ain’t I cute? now give me what I want!” look.
Lars is not a cheap date, not a kid one can flirt with, wink & smile at, then move away from with the feeling of some kind of brief relationship having been established. If people want to relate to Lars, they have to invest in him. They have to give him their time, take a risk, offer themselves in a more committed way. For a proper meeting he requires their voice, hands, attention, and their open heart & mind. That’s a lot to ask in New England. Quite intimate. Quite rare. If people extend themselves in this way, he will give them everything he has in return.
The other day we had to bring Lars with us to couple’s counseling. So it came time to introduce him to our counselor. When people are as perplexed, stilted, and clueless as she was in that moment, we generally guide them by suggesting that he needs to hear their voice, and it would help if they could offer their hands to him to feel, that he knows people by their hands. A lot of folks are palpably hesitant to do this. Too close, too intimate.
Although he can absolutely feel and take in their hesitancy and rejection, these are some of the moments when I feel grateful that he can’t also see and ingest the looks they reflect back to him. Yes, blindness is a lack of information. All kinds of information. In those moments I wish I saw a little less.
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I must add another perspective here. I am a generally 'hands on' kind of person. However, when a new child comes into my life - most often into my school program, I hesitate to go 'all out' to get to know them. I want to - I really want to get down and have them check me out in whatever way they seem to need in order to say hello - but I do not on most occasions. This is primarily due to the parent present. Most parents of special children that I have met tend to hold a stiff concern that is quite different from you and Andey. It keeps a barrier between their child, family and home experiences and those out in the 'world' who they meet. It holds all those uncomfortable feelings and apologies right up close. I find this out in public as well - why should a parent let me get close to say hello? Who am I?? Even when they come into my program, they have no idea what my agenda is - and frankly, I don't have alot of time to explain who I am and what I do there and also have time to get to know a kid. This is a bit different than an individual who has not had much exposure to a special child - but it gives a little perspective on what others may be feeling.
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